Candidate for the position of Students' Union President

Image for Are chairs racist? (Kionne)

Are chairs racist? (Kionne)

I often confuse the students with the sheep here for multiple reasons.

 As prez, I will use student union funds to employ an elite group of politically correct people or PCP for short, to protect every single student at this university from the scariest thing of all...  the real world. This will require us hiring thousands of staff to shadow students 24/7, acting as living censorships working tirelessly to deter the everyday racism, fatism, sexism and all of the other isms that are clearly rampant at Bath Spa University. Our sophisticated, state of the art censorship initiative will invest heavily in counteractive technology that can tackle everything from microaggressions right up to fascism, and like many ideas at Spa, we don't know the hows and only vaguely know the whys.  

The first of this tech will be a revolutionary shielding device that can protect student feelings by throwing it onto them to act as some kind of barrier against the real world. The team of scientists here is completely gender-neutral, genderless yet a gender-balanced group of people person falafels and they created this device on behalf of SU senior management. It's still in the testing phases but I believe they called it a "Blanket", which is highly mobile and adaptive, shifting its form effortlessly to match that of the fragile students, ensuring that they are kept warm and out of sight from wild animals and predators.  An unsafe space. In light of safe spaces, we have also developed the unsafe space, a poorly designed and extremely hazardous space for students to go and feel unsafe in. There's no ventilation in this airtight space but there is a framed picture of Karl Marx and a kite. 

All cars and buses should be banned from campus because students raise awareness about the environment a lot. Mobility scooters for all instead or we will convert the entire Newton campus into student accommodation and move classes to Green Park. 

I’ve never seen a university attempt to bribe college students from poor backgrounds with money and low standards before, by offering £750 and no entry requirements. Was it to make their diversity awards seem more credible, struggling to attract potential students or recovering from financial losses? Can academic institutes still be credible after acknowledging to the press that they suppressed research solely on the grounds of popularity instead of validity? Would sacrificing a sheep each year bring about a better harvest?

“Engaging in a potentially ‘politically incorrect’ piece of research carries a risk to the university,” the committee added."


Unlucky to all of last years graduates, who graduated in the forum opposite the job center and next to a McDonald's. 

Here are some of Spa's top hits:

“Bath Spa University paid Christina Slade a £429,000 golden handshake when she stepped down from the role earlier this year, on top of her annual salary of £250,000, according to the university’s financial statements.” 



"Bath Spa University to ignore grades and offer £750 bonus to new students" 


"STUDENTS at Bath Spa University have been branded snowflakes by fellow pupils when several began to “cry like babies” in a psychology exam after a topic they thought would “definitely” come up did not appear in the paper."  



"Bath Spa University blocked project because it feared a backlash on the internet"

"Mr Caspian, 58, accused the institution of failing to uphold ‘the most basic tenets of academic and intellectual freedom of inquiry’. "



"Bath Spa University rebrand 'Wonkee Wednesday' mental health initiative after backlash"



"Bath universities spent £1.3 million on 'gagging' employees"



"University forced to arrange taxis as Bath Spa students wait 70 minutes for bus home"